You are listening to Poon Patrol Radio Poon Patrol Radio Is it good? I don't know Get 'em high, get 'em low I don't know, I don't know Poon Patrol Radio Poon Patrol Radio I don't know Have you heard the story of Icarus? The sun killed him 'cause he got too high Poon Patrol is pretty similar Except we will never die GET READY TO BUST OPEN THAT PUSSY!! (God, fuck, fuck, fucked up this fucking song again, fuck!) This one's for all the lonely dads out there You know who you are Name's Hank Hill, propaner insaner Out the brainer, been known to snort the cocainer And my dick's as long as a couple of toothpicks And my asshole can only fit two dicks Maybe three, if I eat some casserole We could cram another into my fat asshole I'm startin' to get burly, I'm a little bit lost How much did the holla cost? About six million, and I got a billion 'Cause I can do whatever I set my mind to Except blow shit up with it, only when I'm not trying to And all I want in life is a collection of lawn chairs And some gummy bears Throw in some gay sex like American History X Like I'm Ed Norton, Pusha to the T When I'm some earthquake Or maybe even a vanilla milkshake Let's hear some Seinfeld bass and eat some toothpaste Nothing about me is kind Like trying to high-five the blind Like if I was Mister Seacrest Selling one-hundred-twenty-dollar hip-hop shirts Like I was Kanye West Like I'm always losing, like a-ha, honey And there's nothing funny about the Easter Bunny In the middle of July Pinocchio knows and I just can't lie Maybe it's just my heritage I want to grow up to be as fake as Lamar Odom's marriage is While I stare at his sister-in-laws' carriages While I spout out some ray-jays and shoot some AKs 'Cause it's the return of the P-double-O-N We're as Bad as the Sin, that's a joke about the comedian Somebody please stop feeding him Why's it always sunny in Philly? Please fill me in, Charlie Day But who knew Mac was gay? But I'm all about pride, and I love kittens So let's give him some little kitten mittens While I'm spittin' like Walt Whitman Like I'm on the toilet but I will not spoil it Just watch season five Shoot some heroin and listen to Dive And the sky sure is blue And if you asked me my favorite day of the week I'd have to choose two The two where I eat cheese pizza and chill with my crew Always on the patrol for poon, play that pussy like a bassoon And I'll eat your whole asshole, you'll go "holy mackerel" When I come out lookin' like a raccoon Except the mask is just your shit And I'll apologize to your armpit For foreseeing me sneezing in it, just spray some Febreze in it And when I say I'm sorry know I meant it And know that your gooch was splendid That's the path between your cooch and your butt crack And I know my compliments are wack And I know my pick-up lines are wack But you know you like the One Man Wolf Pack That's what I call my ball sack 'Cause I've only got one teste And if he was gay he'd slap his two besties What happened when the cow's dad touched him? He got moo-lested, just like your patience is getting tested This song isn't even about pizza with cheese He's just rapping about the birds and the bees Ladies, be quiet, let me see your knees And I'll blow you some kisses And I won't stop until R. Kelly pisses me off Like when old ladies say no, guess it just goes to show I can blow low when I go low 'cause I'm so fucking good at limbo Why's the pizza so aggressive, Jimbo? I don't know, Sheen, I just don't know What's your favorite medicine? 'Cause there's nothing better than Me inside of your butt socks I hope you're a fan of guys with two cocks Remember when Poon Patrol was good fun? Do you remember when I stuck my Donut Stick Between your Honey Buns? I want to get on a bike and fly away like I'm E.T But I can't go outside 'cause the mailman beats me Why? I don't know, it beats me, but he'll never defeat me 'Cause i've got the spirit of the dragon Even if its balls are saggin' And it's as old as Bob Saget and if I had a tail I'd wag it And I'd fly really really really far away Like some deranged half-boy half-dog faggot And I'd live off the maggots of maggots Hey do you have any matches? Yeah, sure Oh no, I'm on fire, I worked for months on these m-m-mustaches Where's Keanu Reeves when you need him? Where're the stars when you see them? Did Nemo's dad really beat him? Leave it up to the lucky fin, like Barbie and Ken I'm always askin' myself, when's this verse gonna end? When my wiener's gonna bend Far enough back to my butthole My what hole? Into my motherfuckin' butthole Shout out, shout out to myself, for that verse God damn! God damn! God damn! Damn, that verse! Such a good verse, man! Thanks Uh, this is recorded right now, in the present Some people say I live in America I just live in the moment I'm sorry that-- if a lot of those bars were offbeat I'm only mediocre at rapping sometimes Thank you for listening to Poon Patrol 2 I hope you enjoyed it This song, uh, also contains a Michael Jackson sample But, uh, you can't fuckin' sue me, you're dead *glass breaks* Oh fuck! He shot the radio! Shit! Stay calm! We need to stay calm if we have hope to elude this Dog the Bounty Hunter-looking motherfucker. Oh shit! Where's the money, shit-turd? Fuck, why is he doing this? You mean you don't remember? Flashback, boy... *flashback beginning sound effect* Adam Sandler was born with a curious condition. If he doesn't NUT at least once every week, he'll fucking die. Adam Sandler has to learn that sometimes, love can be found in the most unexpected places. Do you believe in miracles? Adam Sandler lives in NYC, it's the place to be He's got a beautiful wife that he would give his life for And he's got a fine-ass dog Adam catches his wife cheating How will he achieve his weekly skeeting? Every now and then something magical happens Do you believe? Adam Sandler loves his dog And Adam Sandler hates his wife And the weekend is comin' up And Adam wants to keep his life Adam Sandler's living in a house with two bitches And he's gotta make a choice, yeah, he's gotta make a choice Every now and then something magical happens Do you believe? Adam Sandler Fucks a Dog Adam Sandler Fucks a Dog Do you believe in miracles? Coming April 20th, 2069 Two thousand and...four-twenty Wow, I'm really enjoying Sandler's performance I can't believe we made the best movie ever made Wow. This is great Oh shit! We lost the entire movie budget when that dog sued us! How are we going to pay Adam Sandler? Don't worry about it. I got this Dog the Bounty Hunter-looking motherfucker to pop a cap in that weak-ass Adam Sandler before he can do anything. His ass will be cheese in a fucking cheese grater, we're gonna fucking... we got that guy to kill him and, uh, he's pretty much dead at this point so, uh, that way, we won't have to pay that damn-ass Jew boy Adam Sandler a dime How are we going to pay the bounty hunter? Uh... *knocking* Where's the money, poop-shit? Oh shit! We're so fucked! Oh jeez, we're really fucked! We just can't believe how fucked we are! *knocking* Someone's knocking on the other door! It's me, Jerry Seinfeld! I'm here to rescue you guys, so we have to go quickly, come on! *flashback ending sound effect* Thanks, Seinfeld! I'm gonna pull over, I gotta whiz. You guys must be wondering why I saved you. Well you see, I can't take this shit-for-brains PC culture. I can't take it! You guys are the world's only chance against it! Ahhh! *gunshot* Where's the money, shit-turd? Oh shit, he's back! He killed Seinfeld! *tires screeching* Haha, that was crazy You wanna light a fat one and turn on the backup radio? Yeah, boy... Hey, man, you're listening to Poon Patrol Radio We out here... Hey, man, what's up, you ever do the shooby-dooby? No, man, I ain't into that stuff, man, I don't do that stuff Man, you gotta do the shooby-dooby. You know, man? You just gotta, you know I don't know, man...I ain't gonna do the shooby-dooby, man Man... Yo, man... Who you think you talkin' to or somethin' man? I ain't got that... Are you ready to die, motherfuckers? I'm a cyborg, I got robot feet You wanna get high, got JPEGs and weed JPEGS and drinks, JPEGS and leaves And if you want a hard drive you can suck on these nuts I slap robot butts, I fuck the pussy up in the hacker guts Fucking QWERTY keyboards, stick 'em in my USB port I'm a fuckin' cyborg, I'm not a fuckin' robot So yeah, I can still smoke pot If the economy's nugs let me chill with some mugs To smoke drugs and get hugs Because man, life's just one big fuck Get the fuck out of here, robot man Let a real man show you how it's done (Ahh, don't do that, oh no) Fuck you. Fuck you, robot I'm a naked old man, I'm a naked old man I'm a naked old man, I'm a naked old man I'm a naked old man, I'm a naked old man I'm a naked old man, I'm a naked old man... I'm an old man, I am naked, I'm an old man, I am naked I'm an old man, I am naked, I'm an old man, I am naked I'm an old man, I am naked, I'm an old man, I am naked I'm an old man, I am naked, I'm an old man, I am naked I'm an old man, I am naked, I'm an old man, I am naked I'm an old man, I am naked, I'm an old man, I am naked I'm an old man, I am naked, I'm an old man, I am naked All I want to do is dance (Yeah, boy...) Take off both my shoes and pants Throw my shirt right out the door Underwear across the floor I still got socks on, I still got socks on I still got socks on, I still got socks on I still got socks on, I still got socks on I still got socks on, I still got socks on I'm an old man, I am naked, I'm an old man, I am naked I'm an old man, I am naked, I'm an old man, I am naked I'm an old man, I am naked, I'm an old man, I am naked I'm an old man, I am naked, I'm an old man, I am naked I'm a naked old man, I'm a naked old man I'm a naked old man, I'm a naked old man We are here to mourn the loss of Jerry Seinfeld. He was funny, I guess. Let us have a moment of silence Oh man, I can't believe Jerry Seinfeld, Adam Sandler, and Poon Patrol died all in the same week Shut the fuck up, man! I mean, what the fuck? (I'm sorry) You're at a fucking funeral. Is is that hard to be quiet for three goddamn seconds? I just now said "let's have a moment of silence," you...you dirty sand rat! *booing* Oh yeah, whatever, fuck you! Everyone's thinking it! What the fuck, man? You're telling me you don't have Frosties right now? You don't have Frosties, despite Frosties still being on the sign? I want a Frosty. I want a Frosty, I need one now, give me one! If you do not have a Frosty, I will take my business elsewhere, fuck you! Fuck you! My name is Agent Pubes. My name is Agent Pubes, I hail from the heart of Jamaica. Jamaica, man! From my childhood, I remember, I remember the yam fields, for miles, man. But now, my life is in ruins because Poon Patrol is dead. Poon Patrol is dead! My whole life I have aspired to bring these men to justice and now they are sailing down the river of yams with the Jamaican Death Lord. And I am here, not with Frosty. I am here with my pain, with my sorrows. And I-- Oh no! Fuck! Oh man... *ringtone* I am getting a phone call. Hello? What? What? What?! WHAT?! What are you saying? Are you telling me that Poon Patrol lives?! Poon Patrol lives! Ohhhhhh! Oh! Oh ho ho! Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! It is a good day for Agent Pubes Hello, I would like to buy this radio All right, man, that'll be $4.20 Oh shit, could it be? Are you guys Poon Patrol? I thought you guys died in America twenty-two years ago Yo, dude, give me a fresh beat, this guy's got us figured out! Yeah, boy... I've been living in India for twenty-two years Been living in India with twenty-two deers Been out in India working at Sears Been out in India making fun of queers Been out in India making lots of friends Been out in India making lots of tens Been out in India meeting lots of hens Been out in India making friends with twins I've been living in India for twenty-two years Been living in India with twenty-two deers Been out in India working at Sears Been out in India making fun of queers Been out in India making lots of friends Been out in India making lots of tens Been out in India meeting lots of hens Been out in India making friends with twins Y'all motherfuckers thought I died But I've just been living here in India Y'all motherfuckers thought I died But I've just been living here in India I've been living in India for twenty-two years Been living in India with twenty-two deers Been out in India working at Sears Been out in India making fun of queers Y'all motherfuckers thought I died But I've just been living here in India Y'all motherfuckers thought I died But I've just been living here in India Hey man, can I just get my radio? I have somewhere to be Fuck off, man, buy your own damn radio! We're on break Turn on that radio Shouts-out to Kush K, money, Glenn Liar Shouts-out to our lawyer, shouts-out to Lil' Shmegma Shouts-out to Saucy Boy, shouts-out to Meme Hound You know I'm gonna shout-out Sweet Dad You know I'm gonna shout-out Stinky Leg Dogberry, A.A. Bonzai, Horn Dog Mom You know I'm gonna shout-out Mom Daddy Look to our left to see our first exhibit Imagine how each and every one of 'em fuckin' fidgets Just corny motherfuckers scopin' out these bitches Catch me wrong and become a narrative to the digit Send it quick to the wack MC obituary Diss me on wax and I've leave flowers at your cemetery Very scary Like lettin' you live with ripped-off eyelids Pretty bitch pissin' on your grave just like I did Rap game Gapalagos 'cause of my own eye lint Cracker MCs 'round the block but you can't find 'em Tell Macklemore and G-Eazy that, bitch, I'm right behind 'em Leave a message, tell the blood splatter not to mind 'em Remains of the bodies in the sewer where nobody else can find 'em I'm hiding in the mall on LSD thinking that I'm Gandhi Bustin' nuts in the bathroom stalls Some chick reminds me of Yolandi 'Cause she got the bangs and the eyes When I go bang-bang I'm always in disguise Leave my brand in the game like the backs of cattle Lookin for trouble? You 'bout to get a drastic battle You on a high horse, but you ain't got no saddle? Bitch, I am the shit, all you do is fuckin' dabble Can't touch me like you the fuckin' pastor You six feet underground and I'm like the lights at fuckin' NASA Up in space jerking off the plasma Foreshadow my demise, always look me in the eyes Unless you a sucka mothafucka tryin' to get splat Blow twenty-one cap through your fuckin' Yankees hat If you really think Poon Patrol ain't all that Stay the fuck back, stay the fuck back Son! You must defeat Poon Patrol or the bad man will come and get you! The bad man will come in your sleep and do very bad things! He will touch you! The bad man will touch you! *sirens* Fuck! The cops! It's the cops! Don't worry, I can handle these guys Do you know why I pulled you over, sir? Uh, what? You're under arrest for trying to arrest a fucking cop You're a cop? Yeah Uh, that's funny, because you guys look a lot like that Poon Patrol fucker that hired a hitman to kill that Adam Sandler Jew boy, and then escaped to India without a visa Oh man, that is funny, well it's a good thing I'm just a cop *gun cocks* All right, get in the fucking car boys Uh, yes sir (All right, dude) Shotgun! Oh shit! *taser zapping* Ahhh! Ooh, they got the, the electric...mm, they got the electric fat boys in me. Fuck! Fuck! It doesn't have to be like this! I just wanted the passenger seat! Ohh... No, get in the fucking trunk, kids Oh man, I just got slammed into a trunk It is me again, Agent Pubes. This time, I am in India. I am seeing the elephants walking around. I am seeing the brown folk on their bikes. The plans are in motion. Poon Patrol will fall to their knees in disgrace. And I will shout out to Buddha, and I will say, "It is me, Agent Pubes, defeater of Poon Patrol!" My mother would be proud, in... in heaven, in the yam fields. I love you, Mama! Mama! I love you! Mama Pubes! *ringtone* Oh man, I am getting a phone call. What? What about the test results? What are you saying? You say I'm not Jamaican? You say I have dick cancer? Nooooooo! Are you telling me that I do really have that cancer in my balls? You say I have less than forty minutes to live? You say that if Poon Patrol does not die by the end of this shitty song, that I will die? No! Mama! Mama Pubes! I can do it! Poon Patrol, hear my cry! You will... fucking die! It's gonna be so metal when I fucking break your bones! When I smash your head in with my Jamaican hammer! It is no problem at all, sir. Thank you for your call Haha. I may have dick cancer, but those Poon Patrol fags will have... dead... cancer, when I, when my plans are done. They, they have a few old friends coming their way, I think Ha! Oh ho ho! Agent Pubes will win again! Oh, livin' in the prison, livin' in the prison Livin' in the prison, livin' in the prison Livin' in the prison, livin' in the prison Livin' in the prison, livin' in the prison Livin' in the prison-- Hey, what the fuck is that sound? What is that sound, man? Oh shit! *explosion* Oh shit! It's me, indie sensation Car Seat Headrest. I'm here to rescue you guys. Quickly, get on my private fucking jet *jet takeoff* Thank God you guys are safe. Welcome to my private jet. I got it using the money I made when I sold the fuck out! Where are we headed? We're headed to my fucking private launch pad in China Yeah! Haha! We're gonna party in space! Uh, just us cool dudes. We're all really cool. It'll be a while before we get there, though. We've got drinks, I think there's a movie on Oh man, it's almost midnight. I guess I'd better fuck that dog Here I go... *dog yipes* Adam! It's not what it looks like! Aw, you bitch! I wanted to fuck the dog and now you're fuckin' the dog! I'm outta here Adam! Oh man, I guess I, uh, I better get used to dyin' real quick... *frog ribbiting* Oh, is this-- that's a frog! Uh, I guess the movie's really called "Adam Sandler Fricks a Frog." Haha! That's pretty funny! That's pretty...oh man, I gotta, I gotta fuck this frog, I gotta nut in the frog. Here I go! *ribbiting intensifies* Oh! This shit sucks, famiry Turn on that radio, that motherfuckin' radio, fam You are listening to DJ Ching Chong Get ready for some crazy shit Two stoned eyes and a positive-ass shirt Sippin' on that shit like a plant in the dirt Two stoned eyes and a positive-ass shirt Sippin' on that shit like a plant in the dirt Two stoned eyes and a positive-ass shirt Sippin' on that shit like a plant in the dirt Two stoned eyes and a positive-ass shirt Sippin' on that shit like a plant in the dirt Still no contest, even if I was half a man In fact, I sorta feel like it, your majesty Holdin' these truths to be self-evident Watchin' the doubtful become irrelevant Life's so iced-out, feel like a shaman Pockets still sag so I still eat ramen Life's so iced-out, feel like a shaman Pockets still sag so I still eat ramen Two stoned eyes and a positive-ass shirt Sippin' on that shit like a plant in the dirt Two stoned eyes and a positive-ass shirt Sippin' on that shit like a plant in the dirt Two stoned eyes and a positive-ass shirt Sippin' on that shit like a plant in the dirt Two stoned eyes and a positive-ass shirt Sippin' on that shit like a plant in the dirt Ten tabs of acid when I'm trippin' in my casket Lime-green vest when I'm creepin' out the attic You know who the fuck it is, that good kush activist Bustin' out the package, bitch Wonderin' where all the loud-ass cabbage is Couple mushroom caps to the dome In the year 3000, everything is chrome I'm that nasty man doing fuckin' aerobics Fuck with me and your whole gang gets toasted 3:17 in the fuckin' afternoon Add one hour, three minutes, 4:20 bitch I'mma smoke that weed, I'mma chase that high 'Cause I'm the finest bitch fuckin' alive You more like a bee, bitch, stay in your hive Spray you with my official swag repellent Will I slice you open? Bitch, there ain't no tellin' Might fuck around, kill the fuckin' bee Can't catch my rain when I motherfuckin' sleep Your girl keep the umbrella for my fuckin' skeet But there ain't no clouds when I'm out Never a shortage, never a drought When I toke that dope in the baggy Beans on the block, pockets get saggy You know I smoke that good, shawty know I keep that wood I add weight to the game like cinder blocks The day I'm out is the day there's a crack in this rock Step up to the block like, "What's good, officer, like, no I ain't got no fuckin' weed up in my socks I ain't have any weed up in my socks" Two stoned eyes and a positive-ass shirt Sippin' on that shit like a plant in the dirt Two stoned eyes and a positive-ass shirt Sippin' on that shit like a plant in the dirt Two stoned eyes and a positive-ass shirt Sippin' on that shit like a plant in the dirt Two stoned eyes and a positive-ass shirt Sippin' on that shit like a plant in the dirt My son, Agent Pubes! Before I die, you must do it! You must kill them! You must stab them! You must defeat Poon Patrol! Eatin' pussy all day long I was eatin' pussy when I wrote this song Been running through these hoes like we're running out of hoes And I'm suckin' off my bros like we're running out of bros And I'm gonna smoke some weed and hit that blunt Hold up, shawty, let me hit it from the front And I'm gonna suck that dick and hit that sack Hold up, bro, let me hit it from the back And I'll kiss your mom on her mouth And I'll kiss your dad down south Suck my dad's dick like I didn't come from it And I'll eat his ass like he doesn't shit from it Oh, man, this beat is oriental And eatin' pussy is quintessential All my clothes are hand-me-downs Because I like to keep the jeans in the family And I only like to fuck my family Because I like to keep the genes in the family I'm eating pussy like there's no more time in my life I'm suckin' dick like there's no more time in my life I'm eating pussy like there's no more time in my life I'm suckin' dick like there's no more time in my life Cyber pussy in my veins Digital dickery in my brains All you gotta say to get into these shorts Is "hey, what's up," I throw my nuts up I fuck your butt up, I fuck it down Eating pussy like a pussy-eating clown And if you don't associate with these sorts My dick will distort you, like Sandler distorts Jews I was born hard, when I go to hell, because I am a freak I'll probably enjoy it, because I am a freak Of course it's theoretical Unlike the way I wreck your genitals Sandy Hook was a tragedy, it was fucked up But shut up, shawty, gotta hit it from the front Gettin' my nut! I'm eating pussy like there's no more time in my life I'm suckin' dick like there's no more time in my life I'm eating pussy like there's no more time in my life I'm suckin' dick like there's no more time in my life Yeah, the beat goes hard, like suckin' dudes' dicks 'Cause it ain't against the law What? Sorry, shawty, I guess I let my tongue fuckin' slip Yeah, I mix the crack in my Fun Dip Yeah, I've got a fun clique, all we do is smoke zips Pop zits, and fuck clits When I'm getting my nut off Wondering if R. Kelly's butt's soft While I'm sliding in Wondering when Dennis Rodman's gonna come riding in diving in, or some rimjob poon Yeah, I've fucking slewn all that fucking poon Yeah, I play fucking bassoon because I'm in a fucking cocoon I'm a raccoon eating on some poon I fuck your girl butt naked with my harpoon, and my bassoon Stop bein' a dick, Scott! Konnichiwa, we have arrived in China Just in time, the rocket's about to launch. Come on, boys! Rocket launch in five...four...three...two... Rise if you would... Yo, I step up to the mic, I hit that fuckin' weed Is it recording? Yeah Shit... We'll be entering deep space in six, nine... haha! Oh, man... I'm complacent in my own spaceship Told the age-old never to weigh shit On some underpaid arcade chips Calm, collecting karma sauce and in the splatter Vacant crime scene, snuck a shook look From the neck to the bladder Young hearts ain't the only ones who shatter Pacin' spaceship on the beat, never wear no Asics on my feet Adidas on the street, like Peter countin' sheep Always kept the nine on his blanket After twelve is when he would get paintin' White walls on those dark rows May to get that shark's gold Warm shoulders get cold Always leapt for the stars, now I think my asteroid's got mold Like microwave dinner that ain't get sold Keep ninety-five beehives in my wallet Don't, dangerous, what I call it? Whose life, and how much it costin'? New house, codeine out the faucet No furniture, new chick dick curvature This sick shit like it's Bad Motherfucker Overture New whip slips over curves, my hand dips over hers My feet off the pedal, we flyin' heavy metal New vibrato, top model, love module No stem, told me I got you, laser tag I shot you Daffy Duck do-rag when Poppy pops you You're blowin' dandelions if you really think I'mma spot you Yo teach, remember me? All the classes I was failing in? Now I'm on a space beach, tokin' with the aliens The nebulous strain, zero G's on the brain Fuck the President, my residence in Sector Pain, Quadrant 69 I've always wanted to fuck a star Get my asteroids off while I'm spittin' space bars The Wi-Fi sucks but the view's not bad I'm entering Uranus while I dab In space there's nothin' to hold me down Nothin' to restrain me from unleashin' on these clowns I might have Down's (Bitch, what the fuck?) I seriously might have Down's. Space Down's No license, backseat, flip phone buzzin' No brakes until the 5-0 fuckin' fuzzin' God's trek, belongs full of God's breath, God's chest Drippin' judgment, best bet, mullet, suit, bulletproof Vest stain on some stinky ass breath Roomba rollin' 'round the graveyard, bumpin' Cyndi Lauper While I'm in Qatar, bump her caboose Now I'm feelin loose, alligator Forged full of lies like paperback newspaper with the friendly saber-tooth liger Get your daughter and hide her In a cell, only her and a fuckin' tiger Ask her about her vices You're life's about as dense as a bowl of fuckin' rice is Space is nice, shiz, nothin' to do but burn bowls Finally, a location to reflect my soul Ooh! Ooooh! Having-- I'm having fun on this spaceship. Space is big. Man, it's big. So anyway, Car Seat Fuckshit, why'd you bring us up here in space on your big spaceship? So I could kill you. Haha What?! What?! What? I'd say my plan is sick I'll tell you because you're ready for this Car Seat Dick When I heard you were alive I was filled with fear Another Poon Patrol album would end my career I was looking for some indie clothes in Indian Sears When I saw the two cashiers comin' from the rear Now I knew that if I killed you then and there I'd go to jail But if I took you to out space then the plan could never fail Aliens don't have laws (Aliens don't use laws) Now I knew that two dank fellows half as cool as you guys Wouldn't cross the border with a fucker such as I So I called the cops on you so that I could pull a bust The only way for me to seem dank enough to trust So I could take you out to China and shoot us into space Somewhere with the privacy to take my place in history Like John Wilkes Booth with an indie affectation I'm a quirky god, I'm an internet sensation (Sensation) Internet sensation (Sensation) Sensation (Sensation) Sensation (Sensation) The only internet sensation Uh, get ready to die, motherfuckers! Here I go! *gunshots* Bam! Bam! Oh! Oh shit! It's Adam Sandler! Yeah, I'm that Sandler Thanks for saving us, Adam Sandler! It's really good to see you! Cut the shit man, get the F out of my face It's time for bars, time to put you in your place You think I came to help you make a shifty Jew escape But I came to blow your brains out and then shoot you into space Been twenty-two years since your hitman shot me The damage was so critical that now I've got robot feet Nobody wants to see a movie featuring a freak I was homeless in the street, I was eating rats for weeks One day I got a call from my manager, Pubes Told me Poon Patrol was still kickin', still smokin' doobs I was pleased, even though at the time, I was pissing From a man in the shitter to a man with a mission Saw you gettin' on the rocket so I hid inside the cargo I had a lot of time, so I popped in Fargo Car Seat Head-Ass got no game He slay pee-pee, bitch, no way When your follicles all fall to fossil, leagues beneath the sand Everything you are will disappear beneath my funny hand I'm a silly man, with a fucked-up plan, stop me if you can I'll fill Netflix with movies called The World's Chinkest Man By Adam Sandler, maybe one will even have a star Maybe you'll be a star too When I throw you out the airlock and move to the moon Lotsa time to contemplate the time I took the lives of Poon Patrol In my vortex psyche I will seal control Basking in the glory of the kill! Car Seat Fuckshit, stupid plan's unfulfilled As he died, wishing he could do the things to you that I will You'll never be half the meme that I am, bitch! You're along the lines of the Kool-Aid pitcher dude Or the Pink Panther. I'm still Adam Sandler I'm Adam Sandler, motherfuckers! Get ready to die! Here I go, haha! You guys are fucked! (Hey, man, I'm thinkin' we hit that self-destruct button and get in the escape pod) I'm about to do it! (Yeah, boy!) Yeah! Yeah! Whoo, whoo... What?! WHAT?! NOOO!! *explosion* Oh shit, we killed Adam Sandler. Oh man! Oh man! Oh man! Oh man! What can I say about Adam Sandler? He was in movies. He did make jokes Waterboy? Little Man? Big Dad, Eight Crazy Nights? Grown Ups 2? Paul Blart, Mall Cop? They're all movies They're all movies. Fuck! He should be called Adam Sandman! Dude, if I'm being honest, like, fuck that dude. I'm so glad we got that motherfucker off of us. Like...seriously Adam Sandler? That-- You're glad we killed him? Yep Dude, I feel the same way Fuck that guy Fuck him, dude. He was trying to kill us Yeah, we killed that guy We killed the funniest, the most unfunny man... Really bad at rapping Not a funny guy. But we murdered him Fuck Adam Sandler Yeah, fuck him You know, I say, we go out... a bandana, maybe a scarf... We go down to the flea circus... Dude, this escape pod is heading straight for the sun Oh fuck! Dying doesn't feel as bad when you're famous And you've got four cars and your fortune, gold bars, son Counting up the profits on your way to stardom I'll probably make it in the Guiness With Ratatouille as witness If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? Will the world know how baller I fucked around? If you want to be famous like me But you can't do shit but smoke weed Just kill yourself and get on TV (420 blaze it) Or be a genius with great genes Pumpin' out ten ten-out-of-ten mixtapes popped up on lean Do one or the other but I've got both covered Postmortem platinum, big shot to the maximum, yes Death is nothing, really, when you're walking on the silly side Death is a basic bitch, when you made this based shit And you're smokin' that laced shit Everyone's gotta go, I guess I'm just a guest in limbo Shaggy and Scooby, tryin' to crack the mystery Of what's livin' within this Dominican doobie Life is a fad, at least I had an aesthetic Everything is easy when you've got an aesthetic Mind games, I'm hooked on ironic brand names And when I was twelve, I beat Through the Fire and Flames So I got that going for me Too bad I couldn't die alone at forty Damn, we must be breakin' the speed limit Space cops wishin' we survived to pay the ticket But dopamine is infinite and dying doesn't feel that bad Dying doesn't feel that bad Outer space ship spray LSD laced mace clit, pause, bitch! Bust a nut, put my dick in the peanut butt-er, asteroid clutter Wastin' afternoon, fuckin' jacking off to Flubber Cum on my coattail, in a Chevy motel Fake plastic trees, and a plain white tee Nothin' on TV, no reachable signal Fuck Ween, drink more fuckin' Pepto-Bismol Deer skin cape, listenin' to Drake Pretendin' I listen to Drake, bitch, I don't listen to Drake Who are we? A couple shits who's playin' in the kudzu Bitch, if you are a bubble then I did not mean to bust you 'Cause if you're yelling "fuck me" and I'm screaming "fuck you" If you're actin' I might just have to dunk you Sorry, it's really hard to trust you How you think I got in this fuckin' spaceship? Are you even there? Think I'm going apeshit Staring at the wall of this aluminum ball Hallucination, illumination, etch in my eyelid You didn't get as fucked up as I did Headin' for the sun, ready for the run of this life The thrill of the scene to absorb with the rainbow beams I'm more than a meme, I'm not ready to leave I'm not ready to die Leavin' behind shawties from bamboo to Cancun Goodbye to Wisconsin, goodbye to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson Hello to the sun's magnificent flames Dougied with Satan and learned we had the same names Yuh, he told me to tell the few still hatin' That I been spittin' bars since Lindsay Lohan And the pipe were fuckin' datin' I'm another planet's favorite star Catch me with some intergalactic space ghouls Givin' away permanent vacations to these second-place fools Just saw a mouse on a dirty satellite Fuck the game butt-naked, in the candlelight You all a bunch of clones like "hoy minoy minoy" Drown you with drones, you stay sleepin' with the koi Bitch, what the fuck? Get the fuck out of my face with that four-dimensional arcade bullshit. Fuck you Dude, it sucks that we're dying. But, you know, at the end of the day, I'm glad that I was one of the three members of Poon Patrol Yeah (Yeah) Oh man, it's been such a pleasure bein' part of Poon Patrol. Man, I remember bein' down back at the Chinese liquor store. Man, man, I remember that Jew boy, Adam Sandler. It's been a real pleasure workin' with Poon Patrol Thank you, Egg Boy! You are a very great friend! Haha, ha! What are you guys talkin' about? Yeah, boy! Time dilation, final breath (Sunshine) Ego inflation, ego death (Sunshine) Poon Patrol in the sky Goodbye Said look at me, now, now, look at you Split myself in half just to split myself in two Don't know what to do, good sweet death, guess that's my cue Catch you back in a few, bust a nut in her tooth Right before I leave the earth, eat her ass, eat the dirt Put on her skirt, then I fuckin' skrt In the last callous, in my metallic palace Closer to the spicy-ass sun Hand on my gun, point it at the sun Let it go bang, let it go bang bang, let it go bang Point it at the sun, let it go bang Let it go bang bang, let it go bang Let it go bang, let it go bang bang, let it go bang Point it at the sun, let it go bang Let it go bang bang, let it go bang No exception, death fucks us all, always answers the call I'm a good catch, erection past his motherfuckin' balls He lifts up his scythe as I lay down the motherfuckin' mic Catch you on the flip side, motherfuckers! Let it go bang, let it go bang bang, let it go bang Point it at the sun, let it go bang Let it go bang bang, let it go bang Ahh, ow, ouch! Aaah! I'm on fire! Ouch! I'm on fire, bitch! I'm on fire, bitch! Aaaah! It's hot! Bitch, it's hot! I'm on fire! That's spicy! Oh shit! Oh, that's spicy! Aaaah! I'm a man and I'm on fire, bitch! I'm on fire! Ow, the flames! Once again, the day is saved by Agent Pubes. My doctor does tell me that I only have two minutes to live, but I do not care. I do not care. Poon Patrol is dead and I can die content and join my mother in the yam fields of Jamaican Heaven. Oh yes, now I can die. Here I go. Here I go! Time to die! Time to f...time to die *ringtone* Oh, what is this? I am getting a phone call Hello? What the fuck, man?! What the fuck, man?!